The well do not need a physician, the sick do.

I had the best dream the other night. I don't remember all of it but I remember the most important parts. Our whole family was sitting, just sitting, talking, being our chill normal selves. I think we were somewhere like San Diego (it wouldn't be surprising). My whole family, including my mom. And in my dream I know my mom isn't with us anymore and at the same time I was not surprised to see here there. For most of the dream I was sitting right next to her, holding on to her arm. Toward the end of the dream she said to me, "Why are you hanging on to me?" And I replied, "Because I know you have to go soon." Indeed, just a moment later it seemed, I woke up. I woke up and I could feel the sensation of holding on to my mom's arm, resting against her. And when I woke up, I didn't feel sad, empty, angry or lost. I felt happy. Plain and simple happy. Grateful. That practically-tangible sensation stayed with me the whole day along with a sense of peace.

Through the daily (almost hourly) changes of life here, through the ups and especially the downs, it sometimes feels like I'm not changing at all, not growing, not improving. A year ago I could barely even think of my mom without wanting to shut down. But to have this dream--a precious gift so real, so beautiful and so painful--and not only be able to face it but to feel grateful for it... that is immense progress. Even if I can't always see it or when I forget to look for it, in the same way I can trust that time is passing, I can trust that I am changing. Little by little (and that's the key, the small steps), I am healing, growing, opening my heart just a little bit. Someday, I'll get where I need to be.